Dear Homegirl…Please Don't Drain Yourself Just To Make Them Happy

Dear Homegirl,

If the title of this article brought you here, welcome. You belong, and you matter. 

Many of us have been in relationships that drained us emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually. One is not greater than the other, and they all can have lasting effects on us. I’ve been that person who gave their all to someone who expected me to be satisfied with feeding me breadcrumbs. The person who “didn’t expect much,” and was ALWAYS given just that. This post isn’t just pertaining to romantic relationships; this is for any relationship in your life where you left with your cup half empty. 

Our romantic partners aren’t the only ones who are capable of breaking our hearts. We can experience heartbreak from family, friends, coworkers, bosses, and more. So if you are experiencing the anguish and weight of how they treated you, you are not alone or the cause of why they treated you poorly.

I remember always pondering on what I did wrong, or what I could have done more of to salvage the relationship. I tried to be the best partner, friend, coworker, and show up for them no matter what. But I was doing this sometimes at the expense of my own happiness. It took me years of therapy, heartbreak, being f*cked over many times, crying myself to sleep, unbreaking my heart, and more before I said ‘enough is enough’ and got fed up with the way I was continuously being treated. I had to put myself first and if this meant losing out on relationships, friendships, or whatever else was hindering me from being 100%, then I was all for it.

I’m certain there have been moments where you would sit and ponder why they are treating you horribly when you’ve been so good to them. That has been the number one question that would run through my head over and over again. And as many times as I tried to play therapist, life coach, best friend, and whatever role they needed to fill, it wasn’t enough. To be quite frank with you, I was just TIRED. There was literally nothing I could do to make them happy or heal them from. 

The only option I had was to let them figure out what they needed to figure out and to focus on myself. I was not responsible for their healing or happiness. Some had trauma they did not heal from. Some were trying to figure themselves out all while being in a relationship or friendship. Some didn’t know how to love or how to receive love. Some had their hearts broken and completely disregarded how anyone else felt. Do you see the pattern here? All of this falls back on them; not me, and definitely not you. 

What I learned is that you can love from a distance. You can root for someone to be great without having to converse with them. If that person is not ready to show up for you like you’ve been showing up for them due to whatever it is they have gone through or are going through, it is not your responsibility to fix or change that. It’s theirs! 

Now is the time to dedicate all that you’ve done and given to them to you. You owe it to yourself. Look at all you’ve been through. The heartbreaks. The crying. The energy you’ve given. The things you haven’t healed from or are healing from. The moments when you didn’t feel like you were enough. You deserve to take this moment for yourself, and don’t ever feel bad for doing so.

Below I have crafted a few affirmations for when you feel like you need to help them or are currently drained of your energy trying to please others.

I poured enough into their cup, and now it’s time to pour into mine.

I am not a bad person for putting myself first this time.

The way they are treating me is not a reflection of who I am.

I am enough and I did all that I could to salvage this relationship. They just aren’t ready right now.

I will not drain myself for anyone.

I deserve to be happy and if I didn’t know that before, I know it now.